Welcome. Thanks for purchasing the Study Guide, the companion to What?.

This Study Guide follows the learning trajectory in What? by using expanded versions of the assessments, exercises, and questionnaires from the book and adding further learning and integration practices. The chapters covering each skill set are displayed at the top of each segment for reference should you wish to go back over the material.

This is not a typical program: the type of questions asked and the direction of the study might be different from what you’re accustomed to. And occasionally, by design, some of the material will be somewhat repetitive. But the program has been design specifically to help you uncover your current listening patterns and offer the tools, reflection, and hands-on practice to enable learning. Hopefully, each segment, each activity, will offer you greater clarity to build to mastery.

By the end of the Guide, you will know:

•    Your current listening patterns – what works and what doesn’t.
•    How to have choice over your biases, assumptions, triggers, and behaviors the moment they    become problematic.
•    When what you’re doing is working or not.
•    How to make sure you enter conversations without any sort of restriction.
•    When you are hearing what’s intended and when you’re not.

•    When your communication partner is not hearing you accurately and what to do about it.
•    When your listening filters are restricting the outcome of your communication.
•    How to shift your listening patterns and make new choices.

Working the Study will take time and sincerity. It goes deep, to enable true learning. And since the learning is cumulative, make sure you don’t skip any of the sections. I’ve also included TAKEAWAYS at the end of each segment to help you integrate your learning.

Enjoy. I hope you learn enough to be able to hear everything that’s said, in the way it’s meant, in all of your conversations.

Foundational Assessment Overview

This first assessment will give you a baseline understanding of the current skills and unconscious, habitual choices you typically use to listen to others in conversations. The knowledge you glean from this will be your ‘ground zero’ and you’ll have a better idea of the areas to pay attention to as you work on the Study Guide. You may want to keep a notebook by your side and annotate any resistance, or patterns that seem to arise.

After each segment you complete, look back at your answers and reflect on:

•    Strengths and challenges

•    Habits you rely on and how/if they are effective
•    Tendencies
•    Resistances
•    Core beliefs that get in the way of listening without filters

Also, ask yourself if the issues you notice come up across the board or content specific: Are there some situations in which you are fine most of the time but only get triggered in certain circumstances or with certain people? Notice where your tendencies are immovable and where they are flexible. And ask yourself:

        How would I know if it were time to make the changes I would need to make to be able to have         the sort of conversations I would prefer to have?

After doing the Foundational Assessment, you’ll move into the Study Guide material itself. Enjoy.

Foundational Assessment #1: Do you have hearing biases? Need to add skills? CHAPTERS 1 & 2

PART 1: Directions: No scoring is required. Just check off your preferences and notice your tendencies, and write about your discoveries in the questions that follow.

When are you willing to take an extra step to ensure you hear what your Communication Partner intends, for those time you may have misheard or misunderstood?

PART 2: Directions: In each of the following situations, determine where on a scale from 1-10 (from low to high) you place your tendency to bias a conversation. The higher the score, the more likely it is you bias your conversations. Then answer the questions that follow.

When entering a conversation, I set expectations according to

PART 3: Directions: Answer Yes or No for each. Then answer the questions that follow.

Belief Choices

Foundational Assessment #2: How do you impede accurate hearing? CHAPTER 2

Exercise #1: Filters CHAPTER 2

Filters cause our brain to delete or misconstrue what it hears and doesn’t like, before it gets to our conscious mind, leaving us to think we’ve heard accurately what was meant. It’s important to recognize how, specifically, you filter what you hear, and what the cost is. What follows is a simple exercise from Chapter 2 to give you a quick understanding of how automatic and pernicious your filters are.

PART 1: Directions: Make a mental, auditory representation of this question: “Why are you doing that?” Hear it spoken by:

PART 2: Direction: Check off the answers that apply. Then answer the questions that follow.

Assessment #1: What beliefs do you hold that will bias your conversations? CHAPTER 3

Exercise #2: Noticing gaps in conversations CHAPTER 4

This is a three part exercise to help you notice the skills, assumptions, and filters you have in place that mitigate the distance between what’s been said and what you hear.

PART 1: Directions: Overhear a conversation between people you don’t know (well) – maybe at a Starbucks or at a booth at a restaurant. Write down as much of it as you can catch. Answer the following questions regarding the communication gaps - words, assumptions, and story line – you hear between the CPs and notice if they lead to miscommunication. Afterward, write up your takeaways.

When listening to a conversation between strangers:

PART 2: Directions: Write down a conversation that you had recently with a close friend or relative, remembering as much of each person’s dialogue as possible. Then answer the following questions.

Recognize how your assumptions fill in blanks in your conversations:

PART 3: Directions: Reread your answers in Part 1 and Part 2. Then answer the following questions.

Recognizing differences between what you hear in conversations with friends vs. strangers, answer these questions:

Exercise #3: How much do you hear and interpret accurately? CHAPTER 4

This is a four part exercise to be used with friends and colleagues to determine your own habitual style of being lossy.

Because how you handle lossy references are such a vital component of how people hear each other accurately, it’s important to dig deep into how you notice, and handle, lossy references.

PART 1: Directions: For one day, annotate one or two conversations you’ve had with colleagues and write down the dialogues as accurately as possible. Read your notes and notice how lossy or lossless both you and your CP’s styles tend to be and how this affects your communication.

Answer these questions:

PART 2: Directions: On two occasions, ask a friend to share a story with you that happened to them recently. Sit and listen silently, with no input, as they tell the whole story. Then take yourself away from the dialogue and answer the questions below for each of the conversations. Make sure there are at least two different types of conversations to give you the ability to notice your listening patterns. Notice what they assume you know (i.e. where they are lossy), what details are unknowable (and needed more detail), what details that you fill in might bias the story negatively or positively. Your job is to notice how you notice and address lossy references.

Answer these questions:

PART 4: Directions: Answer the following questions by reflecting on the conversations above.

What happens to you in conversations when the necessary specifics go unspoken, or the gap goes unnoticed? Answer these questions:

Exercise: #4: how much of your communication do you compress? CHAPTER 4

Directions: Fabricate a story that fills in the details of the sentence below. Then read the detailed paragraph that follows as a comparator to note the difference between what you fabricated from the original sentence and the actual meaning expressed in the following paragraph. And don’t cheat and read the full description first. It’s important you begin to notice your natural assumptions.

Imagine I say to you: “I need to pick up paperwork from a client.” Make up a complete mental representation from these lossy words. Then describe it to a friend, or write down your interpretation, using as much detail as want to include.

Next, read this detailed, lossless description that includes my intended meaning. Answer the questions that follow:

“I am just starting work with a new client. Early on we realized there was an enormous legal implication in what we’re developing. We spoke with a lawyer, and he recommended we create an NDA to cover us both, and the languaging is pretty exclusive. It actually took us a week to get right; he kindly had his secretary write it up for us, and I need to pick up the paperwork from him now so we can begin to move forward, finally.”

Exercise #5: Self vs. Observer: making choices when a conversation isn’t working. CHAPTER 6

Directions: Sit comfortably in a chair and follow the instructions below. Then answer the follow-on questions:

1. Make a picture in your mind’s eye of having dinner with just one other person at a table. Do you see just the other person? Do you see the two of you?

2. If you just see one person (Self), mentally take yourself ‘up to the ceiling’ (Observer) and look down at the table so you see the two of you.

3. If you start off on the ceiling looking down (Observer) and see the two of you, mentally move yourself down to the table (Self) sitting across from your CP, and see just your CP.

4. Practice this a few times: go up onto the ceiling and see two people; come down to the table and just see your CP. Got it? Two different vantage points.

From the ceiling, you will notice a larger range of options, free of personal, ego-related belief issues, habitual defenses, bias, triggers, and assumptions. Your triggers will be gone; you’ll hear what your CP intends to convey – both message and metamessage - without misinterpretation; you’ll hear fewer words and understand less of the story line. I call this dispassionate viewpoint Observer. You’ll notice

· the flow of communication and presence or absence of rapport between you and your CP and where there seems to be a disconnect?

· fewer words and less of the specifics in the story?

· communication gaps, assumptions, lossyness?

· possible intervention points, where new behavioral choices would be beneficial?

· any discomfort, confusion or annoyance present between you without the emotions?

Now go back down to your side of the table where you can only see your CP. Notice your own absence: you don’t hear your own dialogue nor see your part in creating or maintaining the argument; you’ll hear an Internal Dialogue that reacts and defends your status quo. I call this position of limited, instinctual choice Self. From Self, from your side of the table, you’ll notice

· your feelings that the CPs dialogue is annoying/disrespectful/stupid/wrong etc.?

· your CP sitting forward, speaking quickly with a deep voice, gesticulating,

· your CP is judging you and doesn’t understand you,

· lots of words coming from your CP that blame you for stuff.

The difference between being negatively triggered by unconscious beliefs and emotions (Self) and in neutral without any triggers (Observer) is choice. In Self you are operating habitually, automatically, and defensively to maintain your identity, with a limited range of behaviors determined by your subjective reactions that maintain your status quo at all costs. In Observer you are in neutral and can dispassionately choose the best response from among your range of communication behaviors. You will notice when something isn’t working, notice what you have misheard, and choose how to better respond. Observer offers the skill to supersede the unconscious and habitual belief àbehavior connection and

· reweight the hierarchy of your criteria

· supersede your subjective reactions

Note: If you prefer to use your typical, comfortable listening habits and remain in Self, you would only see and hear half of the incident without a full capability for choice. The skill of choice will enable you to separate the content, the story, the relationship and your instincts from the ability to impartially assess and observe what’s going on outside the range of personal connection. From Observer you’ll also notice a broader range of choices from which to respond.

Exercise #6: The physiology of excellence: how to have choice CHAPTER 6

This is a four part exercise, with much of the work taking place internally.

PART 1: Directions: Sit comfortably in a chair and follow the directions below. Note: This particular exercise is a typical NLP exercise which leads participants to internal states, differences, and visual representations. We will learn how to hear others without misinterpretation by recognizing the physiology of instinctual and subjective misinterpretation vs the physiology of having no triggers or unconscious reactions.

This is one of the simplest methods I know to override any of the biases, habits, or instincts that trigger you and cause you to misinterpret (Self), versus being part of a conversation without biases or getting triggered. Obviously, being in Observer offers a broader range of communication choices and the ability to hear more accurately. It’s quite different from my conventional behavior-based exercises, and offers the possibility of real change. Enjoy.

What ‘no choice’ looks like:

1.Sit quietly and make a mental picture of yourself, alone in a small room, on the phone at a desk, and in the middle of having a ‘bad’ or unsuccessful conversation with a client or colleague. Maybe you just got a fired, or lost a deal you were waiting for. If you can’t think of one, fabricate one, as the patterns you’ll have in any unsuccessful call will be the same.

2. See each element of just the snapshot distinctly: yourself, on a phone call, at a desk, in a chair or standing. Notice the physical attributes of the mental picture, such as color, square or round edges, fuzzy or clear. Notice if there is sound, etc. Do not take notice of the content or story line of the conversation itself. They are not necessary for this exercise. We are looking a snapshot – a photograph - at one moment in time.

3. As you look at the picture, superimpose yourself in it and feel if there is tension in your body or any appreciable amount of Internal Dialogue.

PART 2: Directions: Sit comfortably in a chair and follow the directions below.

1.Sit quietly and make a mental picture of yourself, alone in a small room, on the phone at a desk, and in the middle of having a ‘good’ or successful conversation with a client or colleague. Maybe you just got a new job, or a deal was closed that you were waiting for. If you can’t think of one, fabricate one, as the patterns you’ll have in any successful call will be the same.

2. From ‘above’, see each element of the details within the snapshot: yourself, on a phone call, at a desk, in a chair or standing. Notice the physical attributes of the mental picture, such as color, square or round edges, fuzzy or clear. Notice if there is sound, etc. Do not take notice of the content or story line of the conversation itself. They are not necessary for this exercise. We are looking a snapshot, at one moment in time.

3. As you look at the picture, superimpose yourself in it and feel if there is tension in your body or any appreciable amount of Internal Dialogue.

PART 3: Directions: Write down your findings in the differences between the pictures (i.e.dark vs light, sound vs no sound, round vs square, etc). Be as specific as possible. Note: There will be very obvious differences between the two. I once had a client that had loud poundy music in the bad call and sweet classical music in the good call. Once she realized this she recognized a problem every time she heard the poundy music and made the mental switch over to classical music immediately.

You might experience the picture of your bad call as dark, fuzzy, small, and you were probably sitting forward, hunched, with tension in the shoulders and neck. This is the physiology of Self. In the good call the picture probably had lighter colors, more clarity, and was larger. You were probably sitting back against your chair, standing up, or walking around. No discernable tension. This is the physiology of Observer, although about 3% of the time, I’ve noticed people who do the opposite – sit forward in Observer and sit back in Self. But let’s play the odds here and assume you’re one of the 97% and if not, act as if you are.

To notice when you need choice, let’s use your discomfort in the bad call as a trigger to alert you that you need a new set of choices. Since words themselves get translated through context, and you’re possibly already in reaction mode on a bad call, it wouldn’t be much help to use the dialogue as the trigger. Working with your body first rather than the story is probably unusual but it works.

PART 4: Directions: Sit comfortably in a chair and follow the instructions below. There is nothing to write.

1.Go back to the mental picture of the unsuccessful call. Sit the way you are sitting in the picture – probably leaning forward and hunched over - and then notice where there is tension in your body. Once you feel the tension, make it throb; once you can feel it throb, make the throb a color, so you end up seeing a throbbing blue, say, in your mind’s eye.

2.In your mind’s eye, move the color up through your body into your eyes so you end up with the throbbing color in the corners of your eyes.

3.When your eyes notice the color, immediately – immediately - move your body back against the chair, or stand up and walk around.

Hard to believe until you try it, but this trigger will take you out of your beliefs, out of the personal, and move your body into a physiological state of choice with the ability to see the full range of reactions, comments, choices that you have in your arsenal of communication behaviors. You’ll have far less misinterpretation and recognize any problems, and a broad range of choices for resolving it.

Through the years I’d say pretty close to 100% of my clients found that they have been far more successful in their conversations using Observer because they know when to make better communication choices, starting when they are in Self and a conversation isn’t working well. Try it and let me know your results.

Over the next couple of days, notice when you naturally go into Self and when you’re in Observer. If you’re in the middle of an interaction and it’s not going well, notice if you feel any physical discomfort or tension – whether there appears to be a problem in the conversation or not - and practice getting your colors to trigger you into Observer when you need a new choice. After a while it will become automatic.

Questionnaire: Hearing what others mean. CHAPTER 7

Exercise #7: Variances CHAPTER7

This is a three part exercise.

PART 1: Directions: Sit down with two friends/family members and ask them to have a conversation between themselves about something important to them – not merely a social conversation but something meaty, like politics or real problems. Tell them you’re doing an exercise and just want to be an observer without participating. Take notes. Listen from Observer.

PART 2: Directions: Answer the questions below as they pertain to the above conversation.

PART 3: Directions: Share your findings from the above and ask your friends questions on what they noticed about their conversation.

- Share what you heard that they missed. Include differences in beliefs, biases, assumptions, triggers, expectations, lossyness.

- Ask them what they thought of your observations and if they noticed similar things.

- Had they recognized issues you noticed and didn’t know what to do about them, or did they not notice at all?

- Discuss how the outcome of the conversation might have been effected if they had heard each other more accurately?

TAKEAWAYS: Did you take away anything from the exercise that will make it easier for you to hear others more accurately? To have choice over your communication patterns? Following this exercise you should now be able to distinguish the difference between:

- unconscious/out-of-choice (from Self) and conscious/in-choice (from Observer) listening behaviors;

- the story line (message) and the unspoken meaning (metamessage);

- differences between the words the Sender uses and what she means;

- responding to the words vs. responding to the intent;

- shifts in flow between communication partners;

- how each CP practiced choice and no choice, and the results of each.

Check List: What are my communication patterns? CHAPTER 8

Directions: Check off the closest option that matches your current communication behaviors:

Exercise #8: Have you been heard? CHAPTER 8

PART 1: Directions: Pretend you’re a working person having a bad day according to the hypothetical scenario below. Then answer the questions that follow the responses:

Here is the set up scenario: You’re having a bad day: your computer crashed causing you to lose the entire report you’ve been working on for three days (and forgot to save). The report is due tomorrow and you have to rewrite the whole thing tonight. Your car broke down on the highway this morning, and you had to wait 3 hours for the tow. And now it can’t be fixed for 3 days while they get the parts. You’d really like to replace this old junker, but you can’t afford to because of the amount you’re spending on the room addition for the new baby. It’s all too much.

You say to your colleagues: “I’ve had it. I just can’t take it anymore. My pc crashed. I lost my big report and it’s due tomorrow. I just sat on the side of the road for 3 hours. My car is going to cost me a bundle to fix and I really need a new one but I have no money because we’re building an addition to the house. I need a vacation.”

Your office mates make the following comments.

• I need a vacation too.
• Wow. Sounds like you’re spending a lot of money.
• If you need a new car my neighbor just bought the new FIAT and loves it.
• Bummer. When is that report due?
• Sounds like you’ve had a rough time of it today.

Taking each above response separately, answer the questions below each choice to determine if, and where, you feel heard by your CP. Each response is followed by the reasons why you may feel unheard.

I need a vacation too.

This response takes the focus of the story from you to your CP and keeps you from getting the empathy, support, and compassion you deserve. Once someone transfers the focus to their side of the table, you are left with few choices – either you ignore them and go on with your dialogue, urge the Receiver to come back to your issues and offer the support and the response you deserve, or stop talking/walk away. There is no communication here.

Wow. Sounds like you’re spending a lot.

This response has addressed one element of your lament and ignores you as a person. Money is obviously the Receiver’s bias, and he was so triggered by the money component that he hasn’t heard what you meant to convey – that you’re exhausted, scared, frustrated, and at the end of your rope. You can either scrap the rest of what you wanted to say and continue discussing money issues, correct the misinterpretation, or move on to another Receiver. Again, there is no communication here.

If you need a new car my neighbor just bought the new FIAT and loves it.

Although this Receiver theoretically wants to help, he’s in Self and merely heard the conversation in relation to how he fit into your story. No communication, regardless of this person’s attempt to care.

Bummer. When is that report due?

Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. Heard the parts he wanted to hear. Didn’t hear you. No empathy. No communication.

Sounds like you’ve had a rough time of it today.

Success. No judgment, triggers, assumptions, misunderstanding, or bias. The Receiver heard the metamessage: you were having a bad day, and he’s offering empathy.

Exercise #9: Do my responses bias the conversation?     CHAPTER 8

Directions: Think about/write down a client or staff conversation you recently had, in as much detail as possible. Ask yourself the following questions and write down your answers.

Assessment #4: Putting it all together. CHAPTER 9

Directions: To each choice, assign a number from 1-10 (1 being lowest) to judge your facility at hearing what your Sender intends you to hear. At the end, add up the numbers. 190 is a perfect score. Obviously, under 80 means you’re only successful half the time; if you’re under 141 you’re being successful three quarters of the time. You do the math and determine how successful you are. And you may want to do this assessment for each context that’s important to you - so your choices during your personal conversations might be different than those during your business conversations.

I enter conversations:

Exercise #10 When should you go into Observer? CHAPTER 9

This is a 3 part exercise.

PART 1: Directions: Remember a difficult conversation with a client or prospect that ultimately led to failure. Write down the complete dialogue, best you can remember.

Go back to each exchange and notice:

TAKEAWAYS: Notice the importance of Observer. Write up: (THESE ARE MERELY THOUGHT JOGGERS)

• Your facility with moving back and forth between Self and Observer
• Your habits and patterns between being in Self and Observer
• The conversations that you are willing to have less choice in because of a tendency to remain in Self
• The ease with which you are able to trigger yourself out of Self into Observer when it’s necessary
• Your recognition of the point at which a conversation isn’t working optimally, and what you do about it or not.

Final Study Guide TAKEAWAY