Sharon Drew Morgen – What? Did You Really Say What I Think I Heard?

Our viewpoints, interpretations and assumptions are so unconsciously biased that we unwittingly restrict our ability to accurately understand, or act on, incoming information. Our brains are the culprit, as they construct the way we make sense of the world; we don’t question what our brains tell us.

Responding from historic personal norms and beliefs, we instinctively assume our perceptions, actions, interpretations, are based on reality. But we invent our own reality. As David Eagleman says in The Brain,

“Each of us has our own narrative and we have no reason not to believe it. Our brains are built on electrochemical signals that we interpret as our lives and experience… there’s no single version of reality. Each brain carries its own truth via billions of signals triggering chemical pulses and trillions of connections between neurons.” [pg 73-74]

Our brains actually restrict us to seeing, noticing, hearing, understanding, and learning what we already have circuits to translate – what’s comfortable and acceptable – causing deep seated biases. Our subjectivity maintains us.

Sample

In this article I will explain how our brain biases us and what we can do to override the patterns.

SUBJECTIVITY VS OBJECTIVITY

We live our lives subjectively, based on the way our brains code and retrieve our personal, unique, and idiosyncratic beliefs, assumptions, history and norms. We think we’re making good choices when we choose or consider one thing vs another, when we easily reject something because it makes no sense or annoys us. Or worse, when it’s ‘obvious’ to us that one thing should be valued differently than another.

We like to think we’re objective. But we’re not.

The Wikipedia definition of objectivity is “… the elimination of subjective perspectives and … purely based on hard facts.” And “a lack of bias, judgment, or prejudice.” But is this possible? What are ‘hard facts’ when our brain rejects them as faulty? When our brains determine what ‘reality’ is? I suggest that objectivity is only slightly less biased than subjectivity.

Indeed, it’s pretty impossible to experience or interpret most anything without bias. We act, make decisions and choices, communicate with others, raise children and have friends, all from a small range of favored, habitual mental models and neural circuits that come from oft-used superhighways in our brains that we’ve spent a lifetime culling and assume are accurate.

Regardless of how ‘factual’ it is, when incoming data doesn’t jive with our existing beliefs, our brains ‘do us a favor’ and resist and re-interpret whatever falls outside of what we ‘know’ to be true. Obviously, anything new has a good chance of not being understood accurately. Bias is just cooked in; we don’t even think twice about trusting our intuition or natural reasoning when there’s a good chance we shouldn’t.
Whether we’re in a conversation, listening to media, or even reading, we listen through biased filters, and hear what our brains tell us was said – likely to be X% different from the intended message. Unless we develop new neural pathways for the new incoming data, we will only hear what our brains are already comfortable with.

Indeed, our worlds are very tightly controlled by our unconscious, habituated, and brain-based biases, making it quite difficult to objectively hear or understand anything that is different. It takes quite a bit of work to act beyond our perceptions.

WHY CAN’T WE BE OBJECTIVE?

Each of us interpret incoming messages uniquely. Indeed, objectivity is not, well, objective. Here’s what happens: Sometimes

the way the new information comes in to us – the words used, the setting, the history between the communication partners, the distance between what’s being said and our current beliefs – cause us to unconsciously misinterpret bits of data;
we have no natural way of recognizing an incongruity between the incoming information and our unconscious thoughts;
our brain deletes some of the signals from incoming messages when they are discordant with what we already accept as true, without telling us what we missed (My book What? Did you really say what I think I heard? explains and corrects this problem.);
our beliefs are so strong we react automatically without having enough detachment to notice;
what we think is objective is often merely a habitual choice.

Sample

We each live in worlds of our own making. We choose friends and neighborhoods according to our beliefs and how our ears interpret ‘facts’, choose professions according to our likes and predispositions, raise our kids with the same norms and beliefs that we hold. In other words, we’ve created rather stable – certainly comfortable – worlds for ourselves that we fight to maintain regardless of how our biases may distort.

When communicating with others, ‘objective facts’ might get lost in subjectivity. In business we connect with different viewpoints and attempt to convince other’s of our ‘rightness’, and either they don’t believe us or they feel we’ve made them ‘wrong’. Our children learn stuff in school that we might find objectionable regardless of its veracity, or we might disagree with teachers who have different interpretations of our child’s behavior.

And of course, most scientific facts we deem ‘objective truth’ may just be opinions. Folks like Curie, Einstein, Hawking, and Tesla were considered to be cranks because their ideas flew in the face of objective science that turned out to be nothing more than decades and centuries of perceived wisdom/opinions.

The problem shows up in every aspect of our lives. Sometimes there’s no way to separate out objective fact from subjective belief, regardless of the veracity.

I remember when my teenage son came home with blue hair one day. Thinking of what his teachers would say (This was in 1985!) or his friend’s parents, I wanted to scream. Instead I requested that next time he wanted to do something like that to please discuss it with me first, and then told him it looked great (It actually was a terrific color!). But his father went nuts when he came to pick him up, screaming at both of us (“What kind of a mother lets her son dye his hair blue!!!”), and taking him directly to the barber to shave his head. For me, it was merely hair. We both had different ‘objective realities.’

CASE STUDY IN OBJECTIVITY VS SUBJECTIVITY

I once visited a friend in the hospital where I began a light conversations with the elderly orderly helping her sit up and eat. During our chat, the orderly asked me if I could mentor him. Um… Well, I was busy. Please! he begged. Not knowing what I could add to his life and having a bias that folks who asked me to mentor them just wanted me to give them money, I reluctantly, doubtfully, said ok.

He emailed me and invited me to dinner. Um… well, ok. I’d donate one night. He lived in a tiny room in a senior living center, on the ‘wrong’ side of the tracks. It was very clean and neat, and he had gone out of his way to prepare the best healthy dinner he knew how to offer. Shrimp cocktail. Nice salad. Hamburger and beans. Ice cream. During dinner he played some lovely music. Just lovely. I was transfixed. Who is that playing, I asked.

“It’s me. I wrote that piece, and I’m playing all the instruments. I have several CDs of music I’ve composed and self-produced. Can you help me find someone who might want to hear it and do something with it? I’ve never met anyone who could help me.” I helped him find folks who helped him professionally record at least two of his compositions.

By any ‘objective’ measure, using my own subjective biases and ignoring the objective truth that we’re all equal and everyone is capable of having talent, I didn’t initially consider that someone ‘like that’ (old, black, poor, uneducated) had the enormous talent this man possessed, regardless of my advocacy of non-bias and gender/race equality.

Unwittingly, we seriously restrict our worlds the way we process incoming data. We live subjective lives that restrict us. And as a result, we end up having arguments, misunderstandings, failed initiatives; we end up having a smaller pool of ideas to think with and don’t see a need for further research or checking; we make faulty assumptions about people and ideas that could bring benefits to our lives. I personally believe it’s necessary for us to remove as many restrictions as possible to our pool of knowledge and beliefs.

HOW TO COMPENSATE

To recognize bias and have a new choice, we must first recognize the necessity of noticing when something we believe may not be true, regardless of how strong our conviction otherwise. It’s quite difficult to do using the same biases that caused us to unconsciously bias in the first place.

Here’s a tip to help expand your normalized perception and notice a much broader range of givens, or ‘reality,’ to view an expanded array of options from a Witness or Coach or Observer position on the ceiling:

Sit quietly. Think of a situation that ended with you misinterpreting something and the outcome wasn’t pretty. Replay it through your mind’s eye. Pay particular attention to your feelings as you relive each aspect of the situation. Replay it again.
Notice where your body has pain, discomfort, or annoyance points.
As soon as you notice, intensify the feeling at the site of the discomfort. Then impart a color on it. Make the color throb.
Mentally move that color inside your body to the outer edges of your eyeballs and make the color vibrate in your eyes.
When you mentally notice the color vibration, make sure you sit back in your chair or stand up. Then move your awareness up to the ceiling (i.e. in Witness or Observer position) and look down at yourself. From above you’ll notice an expanded range of data points and options outside your standard ones, causing you to physiologically evade your subjective choices.

Since the difference between subjectivity and objectivity is one of perception, and in general our brains make our determinations unconsciously, we must go to the place in our brains that cause us to perceive, and make it conscious. Only then can we have any objective choice. And next time we think we’re being objective, maybe rethink the situation to consider whether new choices are needed.

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Sharon-Drew Morgen is a breakthrough innovator and original thinker, having developed new paradigms in sales (inventor Buying Facilitation®, listening/communication (What? Did you really say what I think I heard?), change management (The How of Change™), coaching, and leadership. She is the author of several books, including her new book HOW? Generating new neural circuits for learning, behavior change and decision making, the NYTimes Business Bestseller Selling with Integrity and Dirty Little Secrets: why buyers can’t buy and sellers can’t sell). Sharon-Drew coaches and consults with companies seeking out of the box remedies for congruent, servant-leader-based change in leadership, healthcare, and sales. Her award-winning blog carries original articles with new thinking, weekly. www.sharon-drew.com She can be reached at sharondrew@sharondrewmorgen.com.

Sharon Drew Morgen March 29th, 2026

Posted In: Communication, Listening, Sales

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‘Change is hard,’ says the adage. Well, yes, but there’s a reason: when the potential risk of a change is unknown, it presents a possible disruption to the culture. Indeed, no change will be implemented – regardless of the needs of the group or the efficacy of the solution – if the risk of change might be higher than the risk of staying the same.

Currently, change management models overlook risk management and end up incurring resistance when the people with hands-on or customer-facing jobs – with their pride, egos, relationships, knowledge, habits, daily schedules – are excluded from the process and given activities they weren’t a part of generating.

Indeed, when companies fail to assemble and hear from those who currently touch the problem and will touch the new solution, they end up with two types of risk: an unforeseen and costly problem popping up during a project; a project that doesn’t meet its goals, is over budget, and/or doesn’t get implemented.

In this article I’m going to focus on what I see as the main risk in all projects: overlooking the inclusion of the full team at every stage in the process. When leaders assume they know enough to set objectives for a project, they are at risk of failing on both counts.

SOLUTION DESIGN MUST BE SYSTEMIC

Without including the voices of those who are or will be involved in the problem and/or potential solution, a new initiative is at risk regardless of the problem, the need, or the efficacy of the solution. The full complement of voices are necessary to

gather information and understand the full problem set;
design solutions for the needs and goals of all;
set goals that all agree with and will maintain the change;
recognize and manage the risks of change that must be understood at each level;
design paths forward to implement and maintain the new;
achieve buy-in that all are committed to;
set up a core team to supervise and support the new initiative through time.

Without including these steps, leaders cause their own resistance. When people are told what to do without having been part of the process, they resist. No one likes being told what to do without being part of the decision. Not to mention it’s possible they weren’t hired for the job they’re being asked to do and wouldn’t have chosen to do it.

WE CAUSE OUR OWN RESISTANCE

I believe the job of leadership (corporate, healthcare, coaches, managers) is to facilitate excellence amongst their teams, not the ones who must have the answers and set objectives. Without teammates and management collaborating, sharing ideas for better outcomes and developing new goals together that serve all (including the company), the success of any proposed change will be at risk.

I was recently asked by a group of System Dynamics (SD) practitioners to help them with client implementation. Seems they were paid millions of dollars and spent months developing solutions to large scale problems, only to have these be ignored. What was going on?

When I asked the group who set the goals for the project and who they gathered information from to understand the full scope of the problem, the answer to both was ‘leadership’. And therein lie the problem. Because practitioners set goals and objectives without buy-in, without the full data set, they were at risk of failing right from the start.

Here’s a dialogue I had with a SD practitioner working on a problem for the U.S. Army Corp:

PR: Yesterday I interviewed five Generals!

SD: Did you also interview five Privates? Five Majors?

PR: No. Why would I do that?

SD: It’s the only way you can collect an accurate data set, include the voices and needs of everyone involved in maintaining the problem, and help them set appropriate goals and understand the risks inherent in the solution implementation.

PR: Oh. I assumed whoever set the goals had the full data set. Besides, is it really my responsibility?

SD: It’s only your responsibility if you want them to implement.

Here’s a link to that implementation seminar. It offers a model for change projects that begin by first understanding and managing the risks:

I’m also currently working with a now-demoralized sales team that’s suffering the aftereffects of massive restructuring from a new CEO whose goal is to enhance revenue. He’s reorganizing teams, developing new departments, and changing reporting and commission structures – all without a single conversation with the sales team that faces real – and fixable! – marketplace problems that have nothing to do with any reorganization. It’s like spending resource to rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic.

AVOIDING RISK AND RESISTANCE

I’ve spent my adult life unpacking the 13 steps to change that occur in all decision making/change management processes. Here are some thoughts on understanding risk and avoiding resistance before starting a project:

Everyone who touches the problem and/or solution must be included in information capture and goal setting. Note: there are bottom-line risks if only a subset of necessary information is captured, or projects are set by the goals, assumptions, needs of a small percentage of the representative population.
The risks of change must be enumerated and understood, with policies in place to manage before any implementation begins.

Sometimes it’s less biased if an outside consultant facilitates the change. I’d be happy to coach your company to facilitate any type of change, and ensure all risks are managed, permanent solutions are implemented, and there’s no resistance. sharondrew@sharondrewmorgen.com

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Sharon-Drew Morgen is a breakthrough innovator and original thinker, having developed new paradigms in sales (inventor Buying Facilitation®, listening/communication (What? Did you really say what I think I heard?), change management (The How of Change™), coaching, and leadership. She is the author of several books, including her new book HOW? Generating new neural circuits for learning, behavior change and decision making, the NYTimes Business Bestseller Selling with Integrity and Dirty Little Secrets: why buyers can’t buy and sellers can’t sell). Sharon-Drew coaches and consults with companies seeking out of the box remedies for congruent, servant-leader-based change in leadership, healthcare, and sales. Her award-winning blog carries original articles with new thinking, weekly. www.sharon-drew.com She can be reached at sharondrew@sharondrewmorgen.com.

Sharon Drew Morgen March 23rd, 2026

Posted In: News

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Do you ever wonder why so few prospects close when it’s obvious they need your solution? Why even after meetings (that took untold tries and so much wasted time to set) you close only 5%? The problem is simple: sales is not a prospecting tool.

Sales is a solution-placement model that provides details – features and functions – of your solution so people know how it fits with their needs. I call this the Sell Side. While vital, it doesn’t find, or facilitate buyers. In fact, selling (in and of itself) doesn’t cause buying.

It was initially developed by Dale Carnegie who, in 1937, had many good reasons to seek Others with a need: prospects were neighbors who had few other options and no ways to compare product details; their risks of change were minimal; and they had no ‘buying decision teams’ per se.

SALES DOESN’T FACILITATE THE DECISION PROCESS

While that’s all changed in the past 90 years, the sales model continues to use the same toolkit and goal: sell. But with so many providers offering similar solutions and the technology to compare options; with alternatives (workarounds) to your solution; with unknown decision makers and risks to be managed, the standard sales model doesn’t have the tool kit to facilitate the prospect’s comprehensive decision process.

The time it takes people to assemble the right decision makers, get buy-in, and figure out the elements involved in their risk of change, is the length of the sales cycle. Regardless of the need or the efficacy of the solution, a buying decision will not risk disrupting the system. Until or unless the risk of change is less than the risk of bringing in a new solution, they will not buy. A closed sale occurs when all decision makers buy in and risks are known and addressed. This is the Buy Side.

The focus on ‘selling’ puts sellers at a profound disadvantage: since it focuses on placing solutions, and uses ‘need’ as the justification, it can only succeed

with folks who have already done their internal decision making
have gotten buy-in from those involved (i.e. the Buying Decision Team)
recognize the risk of change to be minimal to their culture to bringing in something external.

And the sales model was not developed to do that.

Unfortunately, with only the solution-placement model at hand, sellers are stuck wasting their time trying – and spending vast amounts of resource – looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack, using content promotion (marketing), brand placement (advertising), seeking appointments (the decision makers don’t show up and it takes vast amounts of time to get one) and pitching to find those relatively-few folks who have done their internal change/risk management work, and are already ready, willing, and able to make a purchase.

DO YOU WANT TO SELL? OR FACILITATE BUYING?

Of course, sales is a necessary element in a buying decision. But to find and serve folks on route to a buying decision it’s necessary to use a different goal and toolkit to find and facilitate prospects through their messy and over-long decision-making process.

Right now, sellers use their product as the reason to buy, and dangle information, with price as the bait. But entering with product content and a solution-placement goal ensures there’s no way to

generate a real relationship achieved when you facilitate people quickly through their steps of their change/risk decisions;
find people on route to buying but not self-identified as prospects yet;
close more than 5% (those ultimately ready to seek an external solution)
compete against similar products, causing you to compete with price.

It’s like a construction worker with only a hammer. Without the full tool kit, it’s not possible to build a house. The hammer is necessary, but not as the only tool.

TWO BUYING PROCESSES

Obviously, with the ultimate goal to place solutions, it’s necessary to find people ready to buy them. But the sales model falls short and tries to sell to people who aren’t ready when it could be seeking people on route to becoming prospects and lead them through their change issues. They must do this anyway, and we wait – and wait, and offer lower pricing – while they do.

Right now, you’re using a ‘need’ filter to find prospects. But ‘need’ won’t find people already attempting to solve a problem internally (actual prospects) because they start off assuming they can solve their own problem and will ignore your outreach. Remember: external fixes carry the unknown baggage of risk and buy-in issues.

To avoid the pitfalls of wasted time and overlooked (actual) prospects, an additional set of goals and skills are necessary: shift your initial goal to seeking folks in the process of solving a problem your solution can solve, then facilitate them through their change/risk decision issues. I call this the Buy Side. And you’ll close triple what you’re now closing as you’ll be offering real support since all potential buyers must, must do this.

Sample

I’ve invented a decision facilitation/change management model (Buying Facilitation®) that begins by seeking folks already IN their process of trying to solve a problem (i.e. not needs based) your solution can resolve (people not yet self-identified as prospects) and facilitate them through their change/risk management, THEN sells when they’ve gotten buy-in.

Of course, during the facilitation process some people will discover that the risk of change is greater than the risk of staying the same and will never be buyers. Obviously, these folks aren’t your buyers, but you will discover this in minutes, and you will have developed a real servant-leader relationship with a chance they’ll come back later.

But ignoring these folks assures you of overlooking the 80% actual prospects that are on route to becoming prospects. It’s certainly better than filling their spam folder with your ‘reminders’ and pitches or finally getting a meeting with just one or two ‘prospects’ who won’t ever buy.

If your job is to sell, find folks on route to self-identifying as buyers – those who WILL buy instead of those who SHOULD buy. Learn Buying Facilitation® and a new set of skills (Facilitative Questions™, the 13 steps of change etc,) to first assemble and facilitate the Decision Team, then help them find and manage their risks of change to stimulate buy-in for an external solution.

Then, when everyone is ready and in agreement, sell. Just stop using sales as a prospecting tool. It doesn’t work.

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Sharon-Drew Morgen is a breakthrough innovator and original thinker, having developed new paradigms in sales (inventor Buying Facilitation®, listening/communication (What? Did you really say what I think I heard?), change management (The How of Change™), coaching, and leadership. She is the author of several books, including her new book HOW? Generating new neural circuits for learning, behavior change and decision making, the NYTimes Business Bestseller Selling with Integrity and Dirty Little Secrets: why buyers can’t buy and sellers can’t sell). Sharon-Drew coaches and consults with companies seeking out of the box remedies for congruent, servant-leader-based change in leadership, healthcare, and sales. Her award-winning blog carries original articles with new thinking, weekly. www.sharon-drew.com She can be reached at sharondrew@sharondrewmorgen.com.

Sharon Drew Morgen March 16th, 2026

Posted In: News

As an inventor of systemic decision-making models, I’ve worked with well-meaning leaders, coaches, sellers, and managers who frequently end up with inadequate decisions and difficult implementations. There are several reasons for this:

Too often incomplete information is collected because leaders define goals without including the voices of those directly involved with the problem/solution, causing incomplete data collection, time delays, resistance, or results that either can’t be implemented or maintained over time.
Sometimes faulty assumptions end up misrepresenting important data sets; risk management is frequently overlooked.
Far too often, standard decision-making processes consider and weigh options too early in the process.

I’d like to share what I think are the often-ignored initial stages of decision making that would make it possible to achieve successful, timely, risk free, and successful outcomes that are implemented easily, with buy-in; evade resistance; and are maintained over time.

STEPS OF DECISION MAKING

Stage One: Assemble or represent (in large organizations, it could be a representative of a group) those currently involved with the problem as well as those who will ‘touch’ the ultimate solution. Excluding any of these folks means

the originating problem cannot be fully defined and incomplete data is collected for goal setting;
ownership (buy-in), creativity, consensus, and a full set of solution ideas won’t be obtained;
resistance, implementation issues, and failure are possibilities;
risks won’t be recognized and addressed in a timely way;
human issues – trust, fear, ego slights – won’t be noticed until too late;
data gathering, research, weighing, and choice will be limited or unreliable;
time delays and inefficiencies become probabilities;
difficulty making accurate, long term decisions that get maintained.

Rule: Buy-in, risk management, and a complete data set is needed to accurately define a problem and set the stage for efficient implementation and maintenance. This requires leaders to begin projects by including, as part of the initial discovery and goal-setting, the full representation of the people who have been part of the problem and will touch the final solution.

Stage One concludes with a complete, accurate, stated goal that includes the values/beliefs of the system, agreement to manage any unforeseen risks that must be managed and buy-in by all who will use the final output.

Stage Two: The system and risks that underlies the problem/solution must be understood and managed by all before going forward toward resolution. Questions to be answered:

Are there alternative solutions that can be tried (workarounds) before anything new is considered?
What has prevented the problem from being resolved until now (current systems, politics, rules, relationships, money, technology)?
What must be managed to set the stage to do something different and ensure buy-in, ownership, creativity, idea generation, and transparency?
Are the full set of the risks of change understood and steps put in place to manage beforehand?
What plans are in place to resolve any obstructions?
Is the system set up for change? What systems are in place for the new solution to be created, implemented, and maintained optimally? Are all representative people included at the time of the goal definition?

Rule: Because outputs are restricted by the input, before the formal change process commences, it’s necessary to manage whatever has kept the problem from being resolved so flawed elements can be reviewed and new systems can be put in place to represent the new solution.

Stage Two concludes with an understanding of, and plans to resolve, the systems that have maintained the problem and replaced with new systems to generate, implement, and maintain the new solution.

Stage Three: Once goals have been set with all representative voices, workarounds have been found insufficient, the risks of change known and managed, and there’s buy-in from all who will touch the new solutions, standard decision-making models and processes take over.

SKILLS FOR STEPS

To accomplish these early-stage decision making steps, you’ll need these skills:

Collaborative leadership skills to ensure all voices are represented and included to avoid restricted goal-setting.
Self/Observer/Choice. The ability to move between Self (our natural, unconscious, automatic, restricted, biased state) and Observer (our on-the-ceiling, dispassionate, rational, conscious viewing of a broad set of possibilities).
Rules of trust agreed upon in group.
Understanding the Steps of Change.
Risks defined and plans to address agreed upon.
Willingness to give up early biases.
Facilitative Questions™ to ensure data gathered is unbiased.
Listening without bias. Natural listening involves distortions, deletions, and biases from our brain causing listeners to hear and interpret incoming data uniquely. Extra steps must be taken to verify accuracy.

Sample

Too many decision-making processes start by being defined by leaders who assume needs and overlook assembling a full representation of stakeholders, causing flawed data collection, no awareness of the risks of change, difficult goal setting, and difficulty implementing, not to mention the probability of resistance and struggle over time.

If you would like help ensuring these early steps get done completely, I’d love to coach you and your team through the process. sharondrew@sharondrewmorgen.com

___________________

Sharon-Drew Morgen is a breakthrough innovator and original thinker, having developed new paradigms in sales (inventor Buying Facilitation®, listening/communication (What? Did you really say what I think I heard?), change management (The How of Change™), coaching, and leadership. She is the author of several books, including her new book HOW? Generating new neural circuits for learning, behavior change and decision making, the NYTimes Business Bestseller Selling with Integrity and Dirty Little Secrets: why buyers can’t buy and sellers can’t sell). Sharon-Drew coaches and consults with companies seeking out of the box remedies for congruent, servant-leader-based change in leadership, healthcare, and sales. Her award-winning blog carries original articles with new thinking, weekly. www.sharon-drew.com She can be reached at sharondrew@sharondrewmorgen.com.

Sharon Drew Morgen March 9th, 2026

Posted In: News

I recently heard a project manager in a software services company mention a ‘very important’ book on persuasion that she passed on to her team. I was curious why she liked it

S: It’s vital we persuade our clients. My team must learn to use the right words to convince them they’re wrong, and get them to change their thinking so we can do what we need to do.

SD: You convince your clients they’re wrong and want to change their thinking even if they don’t agree? And use persuasion strategies rather than maybe facilitate them through a collaborative decision making process and find ways to meld ideas and agree together?

S: They don’t want to agree and we don’t want them to collaborate. They start off wanting it their way. From years of working with these sorts of problems, we know what they need better than they do. That’s why we need to use the best persuasion techniques to change their minds.

I found the conversation unsettling.

WHAT IS PERSUASION – AND WHY IS IT DISRESPECTFUL?

When I looked up persuasion, seems Aristotle defined it with the terms Ethos, Pathos, and Logos. Google defines it as an ‘act of convincing’ ‘to put his/her audience into a state of conflict’. The concept has been around a long time – probably since God persuaded the Serpent to eat the apple.

But I suggest that persuasion tactics do not cause change or facilitate others in making good decisions. Indeed, influencing and attempting to persuade others merely causes resistance: since all change occurs from beliefs, attempts by coaches, leaders, sellers, etc. to do what the practitioner prefers largely fail.

Sales strategies employ persuasion to convince people to buy; doctors and healthcare professionals employ biased stories and facts to encourage patients to act, or behave, in ways the docs consider beneficial; coaches use influencing strategies to persuade clients to make the changes the coach recommends.

But these strategies are largely ineffective: Not only will people not do what the influencer wants them to do, they’ll most likely distrust the influencer even if it turns out the influencer is accurate.

By attempting to persuade another to do what you want them to do (even if in their ‘own best interests’), you’re assuming your ideas are right for them, taking away their agency, their personal power, and usurping it for your own need to be right. Not to mention preventing a more robust, and dare I say more creative, outcome to emerge.

My definition is a bit different: persuasion is an influencer’s attempt to get another person to do what the influencer wants, regardless of its efficacy, regardless of the omission of a potentially more creative solution, and even when it goes against the person’s beliefs and wishes.

In fact, people will only change if their values are incorporated into the change. And if an outsider seeks to prompt action without agreement and values alignment, resistance and sabotage will result.

PERSUASION BREAKS SPIRITUAL LAWS

For me, trying to convince another to do what you want them to do breaks a spiritual law: everyone has the right to their own opinions, beliefs, choices, and actions, and the right to behave according to their own self-interest and values.

I believe it’s disrespectful and an act of hubris, even if I think – especially if I ‘know’! – I’m right. No one, no one, can be ‘right’ for another person. Not to mention being ‘right’ is subjective and not necessarily ‘right’.

I looked up ‘persuasion strategies’ to learn what ‘experts’ suggest. They all include finely honed tactics and subliminal convincer strategies:

* Find common ground! * Use their names often! * Prepare for arguments! * Make it seem beneficial to them! * Be confident! * Flatter them and appeal to their emotions! *Motivate action!

Ploys to manipulate, to influence at all costs.

But what’s the cost? A disgruntled, resentful buyer. A client or patient who won’t use your services again or is resentful. The loss of collaboratively thinking together that can discover an outcome that’s win/win for both and potentially even more effective over time than the influencer’s suggestions.

Regardless of the outcome, win/lose just doesn’t exist. It’s either win/win or lose/lose. If everyone doesn’t win, everyone loses. By using force instead of real power to enable the Other to discover her own route to excellence, you’re disrespecting them.

Why, I ask, would anyone want to persuade another to go beyond their own beliefs, or choices, or intentions? Maybe because it’s the only way they can get what they want? Maybe because they believe the other is harming themselves? Maybe because of a political, or scientific, argument? Whatever the case, persuasion is not only disrespectful, but ineffective.

An ‘I’m right so you should listen to me’ framework operates from win/lose, disrespect, and distrust (‘I obviously know better than you’).
Persuasion uses judgmental language based on an ‘I know/you don’t’ framework, making the other person ‘stupid’ or ‘unaware’ – certainly ‘less-than’.
Persuasion ignores another’s needs, feelings, and considerations, and offers no room for a more robust solution based on the knowledge the Other has of their own environment.
Persuasion assumes only one person understands the full fact pattern of what’s going on, thereby ignoring the Other’s knowledge and reality that can never be fully understood by an outsider. Indeed, the only person who understands the full fact pattern is the Other.

Persuasion is one-sided and makes false assumptions when influencers believe their suggests are the best options; that the internal relationships, politics, values, history, of the Other are not worthy of consideration; that the persuader ‘should’ be heeded because they’re ‘in authority’; or – worse of all – that the person isn’t capable of figuring out their own route forward.

CASE STUDY

My neighbor Maria came to my house crying one day. Her doctor had told her she was borderline diabetic and needed to eat differently. He gave her a printed list of foods to eat and foods to avoid and spent time persuading her to stop eating whatever she was eating because his list of foods was essential to her health.

She told me she’d been trying for months, lost some weight, but finally gave up and went back to her normal eating habits and gained back the weight. But she was fearful of dying from diabetes like her mother did. She’d tried to listen to her doc, she didn’t want to be sick, but she just couldn’t do what the doc requested. She asked if I could help, and I told her I’d lead her through to finding her own answers. Here was our exchange.

SDM: I know your doc wants you to change your eating habits for health reasons. I’ll ask you some questions that might lead you to ways to help you figure out how to eat healthier. I’ll start at the very beginning. Who are you?

Maria: I’m a wife, mother and grandmother.

SDM: As a wife, mother and grandmother, what are your beliefs and values?

Maria: I believe I’m responsible for feeding my family in a way that makes them happy.

SDM: What is it you’re doing now that makes them happy?

Maria: My family all live nearby. Every morning I get up early and make 150 tortillas. When they go to work and school in the morning, they stop by and I hand them out to each for their breakfast and lunch. I always make enough for me and Joe to have for breakfast. The doctor says they’re bad for me with all the lard in them and that I must stop eating them. I’ve tried to stop, but they’re a big part of my diet. When the doctor said to stop eating them, I felt he doesn’t want me to love my family.

SDM: So I hear that tortillas are the way you keep your family happy. Is there any other way you can keep your family happy by feeding them without putting your own health at risk?

Maria: Hmmmm… I could make them enchiladas. They don’t have lard, and my family loves them. And my daughter Sonia makes tortillas almost as good as mine.

Then we figured out a terrific plan. Maria invited her entire family for dinner and presented Sonia with her tortilla pan outfitted with a big red bow. She told her family she couldn’t make tortillas any more due to health reasons, but Sonia, the new “Tortilla Tia,” would make them tortillas every day just like Maria did, and she’d make them enchiladas once a week instead. Maria then proceeded to lose 15 pounds, kept the weight off, and is no longer pre-diabetic.

WHAT PERSUASION MISSES

In this case study, the doctor attempted to persuade Maria to do what he thought best with a conventional one-size-fits-all food plan. Yet with the proper questions, an intent to facilitate collaboration and discovery, he could have led her to figure out for herself how to solve the problem her own way, using her own history and values. The diet the doc gave her went against her lifestyle, but he was so intent on doing what he thought ‘best’ he overlooked Maria’s own power to figure out her own solution. Ultimately, she didn’t need persuasion, she needed a facilitated conversation that enabled Maria to discover her own best choices.

Imagine your job is to facilitate folks through their own route to Excellence.

Persuasion tactics seek to meet the needs of the persuader, without accounting for the Other’s discovery through their personal beliefs and lifestyle realities:

the questions persuaders pose are biased by their own needs and omit/ignore large swathes of potentially applicable, and certainly private, data points that are important to the Other;
listeners interpret what they hear as per historic matches in their brain circuits (see my book What? Did you really say what I think I heard?) causing a limited and biased understanding, regardless of what influencers are trying to share;
persuaders work from subjective criteria and don’t take into account the values, beliefs, lifestyles, of the Others, unwittingly causing the Other conflict that the persuader cannot know, and overlooks more creative and workable options that they could discover together.

Regardless of how ‘right’ you or your solution might be, if the Other feels like you’re pushing, or forcing, or manipulating; if you’re asking biased questions based on YOUR need to know so you can use it against them; it’s pretty hard to persuade anyone without there being resentment. Not to mention can you truly believe that YOUR way is the BEST way for another person, and they have no agency to figure out their own route?

COLLABORATIVE CONVERSATION

Here are a few tips to guide an unbiased conversation that eventually leads the Other to discovering a path forward using their own values.

Goal: your goal is to help the Other discover their own criteria and actions for change, NOT to get the Other to do what you want!
Intent: your job is to facilitate another through to their own discovery by directing them down their own trajectory of change, not toward the result the influencer seeks.
Understanding: you can never, ever, understand what’s going on for Another. Ever. But you can lead them to understand themselves through facilitated discovery.
Questions: I invented a form of question called a Facilitative Question that walks Others down the trajectory of their own self-discovery with NO bias from you. They are based on the steps people go through when deciding to change and NOT based on your need-to-know, assumptions, or curiosity. Properly formulated, they have no bias but enable bias-free discovery in a way that the Other’s system will not reject.

Instead of trying to persuade, why not try collaborative conversation and facilitated questioning so you both can discover, together, a win/win that serves you both. Instead of it being either/or, why not both/and? Why not trust Others to discover their own answers.

_____________________________

Sharon-Drew Morgen is a breakthrough innovator and original thinker, having developed new paradigms in sales (inventor Buying Facilitation®, listening/communication (What? Did you really say what I think I heard?), change management (The How of Change™), coaching, and leadership. She is the author of several books, including her new book HOW? Generating new neural circuits for learning, behavior change and decision making, the NYTimes Business Bestseller Selling with Integrity and Dirty Little Secrets: why buyers can’t buy and sellers can’t sell). Sharon-Drew coaches and consults with companies seeking out of the box remedies for congruent, servant-leader-based change in leadership, healthcare, and sales. Her award-winning blog carries original articles with new thinking, weekly. www.sharon-drew.com She can be reached at sharondrew@sharondrewmorgen.com.

Sharon Drew Morgen March 2nd, 2026

Posted In: News

We all know the importance of listening; of connecting with others by being present and authentic to deeply hear their thoughts, ideas, and feelings. We work hard at listening without judgment, carefully, with our full attention to connect and respect.

But are we hearing them without bias? I contend we’re not. And it’s not our fault.

WHAT IS LISTENING?

From the work I’ve done unpacking how our brains make sense of incoming messages, I believe that listening is far more than hearing words and understanding another’s shared thoughts and feelings.

There are several problems with us accurately hearing what someone says, regardless of our intent to show up as empathetic listeners. Listening is actually a brain thing that has little do to with meaning: our brains determine what we hear. And they weren’t designed to be objective. There are two primary reasons:

Words, considered meaningless puffs of air by neuroscientists, are meant to be semantic transmissions of meaning, yet emerge from our mouths smooshed together in a singular gush with no spaces between them.
Our brains then decipher individual sounds, individual word breaks, unique definitions, to understand their meaning. No one speaks with spaces between words. Otherwise. It. Would. Sound. Like. This. Hearing impaired people face this problem with new cochlear implants: it takes about a year for them to learn to decipher individual words, where one word ends and the next begins. When others speak, their words enter our ears as meaningless electrochemical sound vibrations – puffs of air without denotation until our brain translates them, paving the way for misunderstanding.
Due to the way sound vibrations are turned into electrochemical signals in our brains and uniquely translated according to historic neural circuits, our ears hear what we’ve heard before, not necessarily an accurate rendition of what a speaker intends to share.

Just as we perceive color when light receptors in our eyes send messages to our brain to translate the incoming light waves (the world has no color), meaning is a translation of sound vibrations that have traversed a very specific brain pathway after we hear them.

As such, I define listening as

our brain’s progression of making meaning from incoming sound vibrations – an automatic, electrochemical, biological, mechanical, and physiological process during which spoken words, as meaningless puffs of air, eventually get translated into meaning by our existing neural circuitry, leaving us to understand some unknown fraction of what’s been said – and even this is biased by our existing knowledge.

Sample

HOW BRAINS LISTEN

I didn’t start off with that definition. Like most people, I had thought that if I gave my undivided attention and listened ‘without judgment’, I’d be able to hear what a Speaker intended. But I was wrong.

When writing my book WHAT? on closing the gap between what’s said and what’s heard, I was quite dismayed to learn that what a Speaker says and what a Listener hears are often two different things.

It’s not for want of trying; Listeners work hard at empathetic listening. But the way our brains are organized make it difficult to hear others without bias.

Seems everything we perceive is translated (and restricted) by the circuits already in our brains. If you’ve ever heard a conversation and had a wholly different takeaway than others in the room, or understood something differently from the intent of the Speaker, it’s because brains have a purely mechanistic and historic approach to translating incoming content.
Here’s a simplified version of what happens when someone speaks:

– the sound of their words enter our ears as mere vibrations (meaningless puffs of air),

– and face dopamine, which distorts the incoming message/sound vibrations according to our beliefs.

– What’s left gets turned into electro-chemical signals (also meaningless) that

– get sent for translation to existing circuits, with

– a ‘close-enough’ match to historic circuits

– that then discard whatever doesn’t match

– causing us to ‘hear’ some unknown fragments of messages

– translated through circuits we already have on file (i.e. We translate incoming words through our historic circuits, making it almost impossible to accurately hear what’s been said)!

It’s mechanical. And it’s all biased by our own history, regardless of what a speaker says or intends. We hear some subjective version of what we already know.

The worst part is that during the process, when our brain discards signals that don’t match our history, it doesn’t tell us! So if you say “ABC” and the closest circuit match in my brain is “ABL” my brain discards D, E, F, G, etc. and fails to tell me what it threw away!

That’s why we believe what we ‘think’ we’ve heard is accurate. Our brain actually tells us that our biased rendition of what it thinks it heard is what was said, regardless of how near or far that interpretation is from the truth.

With the best will in the world, with the best empathetic listening, by being as non-judgmental as we know how to be, as careful to show up with undivided attention, just about everything we hear is naturally biased. [Note: to address this problem, I developed a unique training that first generates new neural circuits before offering new content so the brain will accurately understand, then retain, the new without bias.]

IT’S POSSIBLE TO GET IT ‘RIGHTER’

The problem is our automatic, mechanistic brain. Since we can’t easily change the process itself (I’ve been developing brain change models for decades; it’s possible to add new circuits.), it’s possible to interfere with the process.

I’ve come up with two ways to listen with more accuracy:

When listening to someone speak, stand up and walk around, or lean far back in a chair. It’s a physiologic fix, offering an Observer/witness viewpoint that goes ‘beyond the brain’ and disconnects from normal brain circuitry. I get permission to do this even while I’m consulting at Board meetings with Fortune 100 companies. When I ask, “Do you mind if I walk around while listening so I can hear more accurately?” I’ve never been told no. They are happy to let me pace, and sometimes even do it themselves once they see me do it. I’m not sure why this works or how. But it does.
To make sure you take away an accurate message of what’s said say this:

To make sure I understood what you said accurately, I’m going to tell you what I think you said. Can you please tell me what I misunderstood or missed? I don’t mind getting it wrong, but I want to make sure we’re on the same page.

Listening is a fundamental communication tool. It enables us to connect, collaborate, care, and relate with everyone. By going beyond Active Listening, by adding Brain Listening to empathetic listening, we can now make sure what we hear is actually what was intended.

______________________________

Sharon-Drew Morgen is a breakthrough innovator and original thinker, having developed new paradigms in sales (inventor Buying Facilitation®, listening/communication (What? Did you really say what I think I heard?), change management (The How of Change™), coaching, and leadership. She is the author of several books, including her new book HOW? Generating new neural circuits for learning, behavior change and decision making, the NYTimes Business Bestseller Selling with Integrity and Dirty Little Secrets: why buyers can’t buy and sellers can’t sell). Sharon-Drew coaches and consults with companies seeking out of the box remedies for congruent, servant-leader-based change in leadership, healthcare, and sales. Her award-winning blog carries original articles with new thinking, weekly. www.sharon-drew.com She can be reached at sharondrew@sharondrewmorgen.com.

Sharon Drew Morgen February 23rd, 2026

Posted In: Communication, Listening

When I started up my tech company in the UK in 1983, I wanted a company that served both clients and staff with kindness, honesty and authenticity, a bit of fun, and lots of learning. I set about hiring employees that would support those values. They became the glue that held us all together.

My first job was to serve my employees so they could then serve our clients. After all, these folks would be the touch point between the people who would buy my product and the company. My employees were my first customers.

EMPLOYEE CARE

To ensure employees remained creative, loyal, and engaged, especially those in the field and who I didn’t regularly see, I called each of the 48 techies monthly to check in and held monthly meetups at a pub (Darts was my Waterloo. I think one needs to be British to win.); weekly, I sat down with the 8 managers, the receptionist (who knew EVERYTHING) and my secretary (ditto) to catch up. And my door was always open.

To keep managers inspired, I gave them an all-expense paid week off a year (besides their annual holiday) to take any course of their choosing (not work-specific). And when I noticed them lagging from working too many intense hours (it was hard to get them to take vacations!) I sent them home for a few days for some ‘mental health’ time after calling their wives (in those days in the UK, men worked, women did childcare) to keep them ‘in bed’ for a while. I even sent meals from a local restaurant. I took care of them with the same thoughtfulness and care I did my clients.

We did well. In just under 4 years, we had a $5,000,000 gross income – with no computers, no web, no email, no urls, no online anything. Just me, a phone, in-person meetings, and my wonderful team who kept clients happy and called me when they heard of a lead within the client’s workplace.

I’m certain our success came from my team: much of our growth came from happy clients giving us repeat business and referrals. We doubled our business every year. That was 40 years ago, and the company is still in business.

In the 5 years I ran the company only one person left, due to a cross-country move. I learned afterwards that most of my folks had been approached by competitors and offered double the salary, but they wouldn’t leave due to the respect and hands-on care I gave them. Plus, they found it great fun to watch me attempt to play darts every month.

HAS IT CHANGED TOO MUCH?

It seems to be different now. Money seems to be an overriding criterion and people don’t seem to matter.

A client recently told me of a colleague – a long-standing sales team member and good producer – who quit due to the disrespect she felt from her manager and COO.

I asked if she’d explained her reasons at her exit interview so the company could fix their internal issues and stop others from quitting also. Seems she was just asked to complete a survey and was not given an exit interview. And, according to my client, he and several team members are looking for jobs due to the disrespect rampant in the company.

Seems the company has no criteria around improvement, obviously committed to maintaining the status quo.

Have times changed and people have become a commodity? Currently only 50% of companies offer an exit interview, while 75% offer a survey. That leads me to wonder how many companies don’t achieve their potential due to unhappy employees or disrespectful management. I can’t understand why they’d prefer to go through the time and expense to rehire and train new employees than fix the problems that caused them.

EXIT INTERVIEWS

Obviously, exit interviews that ask hard questions (“Is there something we’re doing as a company that should be improved? That, if fixed, would have enabled you to stay?”) would offer meaningful insights that could illuminate underlying problems in the culture, employee satisfaction, and the employee lifecycle. But that’s not happening as often as it should.

I’d like to offer a few Facilitative Questions™ to help companies currently not offering exit interviews reconsider their employee practices in hopes they’ll be more aware of their responsibility around serving employees well. After all, they’ve spent time and money hiring and training folks to represent them. Might as well keep them and simultaneously run a respectful company.

What would you need to know or believe differently to be willing to add respect, communication and servant leadership to the skills necessary for management – and include these values in hiring practices?
How will you know if your managers have the skills to enable employees to thrive, be creative, and feel good about working for you? And how do you ensure they’re supervised around these skills?
What practices must you put in place to

o Have continual checks on management skills to ensure employee happiness?

o Offer management training programs to ensure respect, collaboration, communication, and kindness are part of their daily practice?

o Put required exit interviews in place led by HR professionals?

o Develop hiring practices that sort for managers who put employee respect and growth as necessary skills?

What supervision practices must you maintain to ensure management provides respect, acceptance, and communication with all employees?

I would like to think that employees aren’t considered a commodity, or that companies aren’t above self-examination or willingness to improve. Do your company a favor: make employee retention, satisfaction, respect, and creativity part of your company identity. And commit to doing exit interviews to discover your weaknesses so you can improve your bottom line.

_________________________

Sharon-Drew Morgen is a breakthrough innovator and original thinker, having developed new paradigms in sales (inventor Buying Facilitation®, listening/communication (What? Did you really say what I think I heard?), change management (The How of Change™), coaching, and leadership. She is the author of several books, including her new book HOW? Generating new neural circuits for learning, behavior change and decision making, the NYTimes Business Bestseller Selling with Integrity and Dirty Little Secrets: why buyers can’t buy and sellers can’t sell). Sharon-Drew coaches and consults with companies seeking out of the box remedies for congruent, servant-leader-based change in leadership, healthcare, and sales. Her award-winning blog carries original articles with new thinking, weekly. www.sharon-drew.com She can be reached at sharondrew@sharondrewmorgen.com.

Sharon Drew Morgen February 16th, 2026

Posted In: News

Imagine being in a strange country where you don’t understand the mores – and aren’t aware you don’t understand them. Say, waiting for scrambled eggs to show up for breakfast in Tel Aviv (They eat salad for breakfast), or saying a friendly “Hi” to young indigenous men in the jungles of Ecuador, wondering why they then followed you in a pack (Looking into a man’s eyes means a woman is ready for sex.).

Because events get interpreted uniquely by different cultures, people like me on the Spectrum are sort of stuck: NeuroTypicals (NTs) make the rules. And from my vantage point they are crazy.

DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS

As an Aspie, my internal rules, my assumptions, my responses, and my perceptions are different from a NTs. I hear metamessages (unspoken assumptions) primarily and content secondarily; I respond according to what the Speaker intended (often unspoken) rather than what my (biased) ears interpret. I think in systems, in wholes and experience the world in patterns, not sequences and details as NTs prmarily do.

NTs seem to operate using rules that fit a norm I cannot fathom. Yet somehow, with the majority of humans on the NT scale, there’s agreement that those rules make sense. In my mind, they don’t.

Why should I reply “Fine, thanks. How are you?” when someone asks how I am? It’s a real question that should be answered with how I’m faring, right? If they don’t want to know how I am, why did they ask? And how did it get agreed that a meaningless exchange is an authentic greeting? I’ll never understand.

Why am I labeled inappropriate when I respond to something differently than ‘expected’, and sometimes an interesting add-on to what’s been said? Who says NTs are the ones who understand accurately? Maybe my references and responses are the correct way of seeing. Maybe my references and responses are a great ‘add’ to a conversation that expands the scope of the subject. Maybe my comments are worthy of curiosity.

Why am I the one being too direct? Why aren’t NTs more honest?

Why am I the one who’s deemed too intense? Why are NTs so superficial?

I recently watched my 7 year old friend throw a small toy across the room where his four younger sibs played on the floor. Stop throwing that, said Dad, afraid the little ones might get hurt. My friend again threw the toy. Stop, or I’ll take it away, said Dad. Again, the toy went across the room. Give me that. No more toy.

I said to my young friend, “Your dad was afraid the toy might hurt your brothers and sister. What were you hoping to accomplish by throwing that toy?”

“I wanted to understand how it was spinning.”

“So next time, tell Dad what you want to do and he’ll let you go outside to throw it.” Why didn’t Dad get curious? Why was removing the toy without understanding the reasoning the only option? This was a clear case of NT’s and Aspies considering different aspects of the same problem – something that happens far too frequently in my world.

THINKING IN SYSTEMS LEADS TO MORE CREATIVITY

My Aspie brain perceives a wholly different culture from the world of NTs, with different expectations, referents, assumptions, thinking systems, rules, and interpretations. My systems thinking and different understanding of what’s happening has enabled me to develop new models for conscious choice, different from the long-held biases and assumptions built into behavior change-based conventional business, personal, and healthcare models.

Indeed, with my ability to see, hear, and notice largely unconscious systems, I have devoted my life to unraveling, (de)coding, and inventing models for change in a way that gets to the unconscious systems that generate values-based decisions so change becomes easy and everyone can make congruent choices.

- I recognized that selling doesn’t cause buying and the sales model merely places solutions, overlooking the Pre-Sales change /risk management issues involved when anyone seeks to resolve a problem. I invented Buying Facilitation® 40 years ago to enable sellers to find and lead prospects through their decision making (13 stages) before selling.
- Because of the way I listen I clearly recognize the gap between what’s said and what’s heard. I developed a road map so people can hear each other without bias and wrote a book on it.

Sample

People make decisions via their unconscious mental models and habitual neural pathways. Yet influencers merely lead Others to where the influencers think they should look, rather than where in their brains Others hold their own answers. I developed a new form of question (Facilitative Questions) that facilitates others through to where their own values-based answers are stored.
I noticed that people seeking to change behaviors had trouble maintaining their changes because real change involves generating wholly new synapses/pathways. I’ve successfully trained many thousands of people to change habits and behaviors permanently via discovering, and consciously managing their unconscious brain circuitry.
The training model offers content, assuming, incorrectly, that learners will accurately hear, understand, and store the incoming knowledge. I designed Learning Facilitation, an addition to standard training that enables brains to house, retain, and understand the new knowledge.
I noticed how change agents, healthcare providers, coaches and leaders posed biased questions to promote change and modify behaviors. I developed a model that enables Others to change habits and behaviors permanently by getting into their own neural systems to make change.

Thinking in systems has it possible for me to develop models I’ve trained to 100,000 people globally. Yet I continue to be judged negatively against the norms of the NT world.

How, I wonder, does the world change unless the outliers like me instigate radical change? You can’t do that from the middle. And if more NTs were willing to be curious, look through a different lens, it wouldn’t take people like me decades to instill productive ideas.

RIGHT VS WRONG

So that brings me to my question: How do Aspies end up being the ones who are wrong or on the wrong side of normal? Why? Because my ideas, my speaking patterns, are different? Because they challenge the norm? Why isn’t that exciting? Or fun? Or interesting?

The good news about Aspies is that we’re often pretty smart. Because we think in systems and can see all aspects of something we often are the innovators, the visionaries, who notice, invent, code stuff decades before academics or scientists.

In these days of more openness and a real desire to accept minorities, to communicate and live without bias, maybe it’s time that Aspies are acknowledged as well.

Maybe when NTs hear someone say something that’s a bit off the mark, or rattle on about a topic that’s interesting albeit a bit long winded (We get SO excited by our topics!), maybe they can just say, ‘Hm. Sounds like an Aspie. I wonder what I can learn here. I wonder if I can be curious about something new.’ Then we, too, can have a voice. And just maybe we can become a welcome addition, add our two cents, and maybe make the world a better place because of our differences. Just sayin’.

_____________________________________

Sharon-Drew Morgen is a breakthrough innovator and original thinker, having developed new paradigms in sales (inventor Buying Facilitation®, listening/communication (What? Did you really say what I think I heard?), change management (The How of Change™), coaching, and leadership. She is the author of several books, including her new book HOW? Generating new neural circuits for learning, behavior change and decision making, the NYTimes Business Bestseller Selling with Integrity and Dirty Little Secrets: why buyers can’t buy and sellers can’t sell). Sharon-Drew coaches and consults with companies seeking out of the box remedies for congruent, servant-leader-based change in leadership, healthcare, and sales. Her award-winning blog carries original articles with new thinking, weekly. www.sharon-drew.com She can be reached at sharondrew@sharondrewmorgen.com.

Sharon Drew Morgen February 9th, 2026

Posted In: Communication, News

It’s often said that change is hard. But it only seems hard because of the way we’re going about it. I’ve been developing systemic brain change models for decades: With different thinking it’s possible to meet goals, enable buy-in, inspire ownership, and avoid resistance altogether.

We’re a culture dominated by the mind. Information. Data. Content. Stories. Facts. Our minds certainly need data to think with, to learn from and weight decisions with.

But it becomes a problem when we want to make a change. When we assume we can effect new behaviors and prompt change because we desire it and provide ‘rational’ reasons for it, because we’re in a leadership position and plan it, we often fail. You see, neither facts, stories, information or new goals cause permanent change.

PERMANENT CHANGE IS A BRAIN THING

Change is a brain thing (electrochemical; systemic); information and behaviors are mind things (intentional; tactical). Outputs – behaviors, actions, choices – emerge from instructions triggered by the brain.

Problems – failures, resistance, risk – arise when we assume we only need to change behaviors to solve a problem. There’s no way to change a behavior by merely trying to change a behavior: our brain will always produce the same output when we seek to replace something we’ve been doing (an action or habit or even an unconscious pattern) with a different behavior.

When we merely try to change our behaviors, there are no circuits to trigger the new for retention and ongoing use – the foundational problem with behavior-based change models. This is why

Learning isn’t maintained;
Patients don’t change their behaviors;
Dieters can’t maintain weight loss;
Coaching clients don’t permanently change;
Buyers take so long to decide;
important change management projects are resisted.

As important as any change might be, if there are no neural circuits to house the new instructions, or retain the proposed activities or learning, there’s no way for change to be maintained.

Take a look at my presentation at Columbia University Learning Ideas Conference in which I explain how to generate new neural circuits for a training program. And my book HOW? details the mind-brain connection and how to construct the specific circuitry to generate the choice we desire.

Sample

OUR BRAIN TRIGGERS BEHAVIORS

For permanent change, we must begin all change initiatives by setting up the systems (generally values-based and inclusive) that will automatically generate and maintain new choices. Trying to change without generating the new brain circuitry is like expecting your bike to ride itself without you peddling, then blaming the bike.

For example: when starting a new project, explaining to users the importance of the change (regardless of the need or efficacy of the solution) will generally produce resistance as the information may clash with the existing practices and habituated norms. But by assembling all involved, including their voices – needs, fears, ideas – and values-based criteria for change, it’s possible to set goals that everyone agrees to and works hard to achieve.

It’s the same with changing a habit. Instead of merely trying to change behaviors that have been habituated and normalized for some time, figure out the core beliefs and values that need to be met (“I’m a healthy person seeking my best food choices to maintain my weight over time”, rather than “I need to lose weight, and this time I’ll keep it off!”) and incorporate the values-based criteria into the change.

Unfortunately, discipline or ‘rational’ thinking or new goals can’t prompt new circuit configurations or new activity. Things like maintaining new habits, trying to maintain departmental change, pitching a product or story to prompt decision making, cannot be triggered into normalized action because of the risk they pose to the status quo. And our current change practices don’t have the tools to get to the specific areas in the unconscious to generate new neural circuits to trigger our new choices.

Current change models try to fix the symptom and ignore modifying the initiation point (generally values-based) they emanate from. Models like Behavior Modification, or Cognitive Behavior Change or ADKAR or Kotter try to push change with mind-based mastery like discipline, repetition, regulation, rational thinking, habit creation, practice, and training. But the mind has no way of carrying out our wishes. The mind is merely the translator of the brain’s instructions.

CHANGE FACILITATION

I have spent decades unwrapping the route between the conscious and the unconscious and have developed unique, unbiased, systemic skill sets to generate new neural circuits: a form of question that is brain directional; a meta way to listen; the sequence of change, etc. to enable permanent change and learning.

I train these facilitation models in sales, coaching, OD, System Dynamics, training and healthcare to help learners learn permanently, help buyers make decisions, help clients make permanent change, help teams change and clients implement large scale projects.

Got it? So next time your team is having a hard time making a change and giving you resistance, call me and I’ll teach you all how to facilitate change permanently…from the brain.

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Sharon-Drew Morgen is a breakthrough innovator and original thinker, having developed new paradigms in sales (inventor Buying Facilitation®, listening/communication (What? Did you really say what I think I heard?), change management (The How of Change™), coaching, and leadership. She is the author of several books, including her new book HOW? Generating new neural circuits for learning, behavior change and decision making, the NYTimes Business Bestseller Selling with Integrity and Dirty Little Secrets: why buyers can’t buy and sellers can’t sell). Sharon-Drew coaches and consults with companies seeking out of the box remedies for congruent, servant-leader-based change in leadership, healthcare, and sales. Her award-winning blog carries original articles with new thinking, weekly. www.sharon-drew.com She can be reached at sharondrew@sharondrewmorgen.com.

Sharon Drew Morgen February 2nd, 2026

Posted In: Change Management

Where does ‘common knowledge’ come from? I began wondering when writing my book on the gap between what’s said and what’s heard. I had thought I was an attentive listener and heard everything perfectly because, well, obviously, we all hear precisely what a speaker shares! Nope. Turns out we only accurately ‘hear’ 10-35% of what’s been said! My goodness! If that bit of common knowledge was wrong, what else was wrong?

With my new awareness I began keeping a list and found many common assumptions that we’ve all perpetuated. I’d like to share some – by no means a complete list – that we take for granted that have been proven untrue or at least face reasonable doubt as fail rates prevail in habit change, weight loss, implementations, selling, coaching, etc.

Sample

WHY NOT USE FAILURE AS A REASON TO CHANGE?

These erroneous norms (below) have been handed down for decades and built into many of our (business) practices. Sadly, due to their ubiquitous nature, they continue without even casting doubt (i.e. false assumptions like ‘people will buy once sellers find prospects with need’ – 95% failure; ‘habits can change permanently with behavior modification’ – 97% failure.).

Why is failure merely built-into the bottom line (hire 9x more sellers, i.e.) rather than changing assumptions? If we realize that change models achieve resistance in almost all projects, and over 70% of project fail, why not do something different and alleviate it by ensuring and managing buy-in before a project commences?

As you read these and find yourself resisting, remember: your assumptions are the norms through which you translate what’s been said and restrict your curiosity, your behaviors, your choices. We are all hampered by their universal repetition and imbedded use, following us into daily life: scientific research, college programs; healthcare, behavior change….

This article will hopefully broaden your world view, inspire further thought, or at least cause you to do some research. Or maybe just make you angry.

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Behaviors are standalone events and pop up as needed.

Resistance is a natural element during change.

Selling causes buying.

People don’t consider the risk when making choices.

You can change a behavior with habit change and behavior modification.

People who are homeless got that way through mistakes they’ve made.

A reduced calorie intake maintains weight loss.

Good information will produce a new decision, cause learners to learn, people to buy, and patients to change their behaviors.

Statins are the only way to reduce cholesterol and there are no natural remedies that are more effective (Hint: Red Yeast Rice).

The toilet seat should be down.

I am speaking with the decision maker.

Choice comes from conscious decision making.

Sellers can understand what buyers need; meetings are important to the sales process.

Implementation occurs when clients are given a good solution.

Learning occurs when new information is presented.

Neuroplasticity occurs when the brain experiences new inputs.

Doctors have the answers. We will heal if we follow their suggestions.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

The only remedy for a bad, painful hip is a hip replacement.

Agave is healthy. Butter, ice cream, and fats are bad for you. Eggs have too much cholesterol.

Mick Jagger is the leader of the Rolling Stones.

Castor oil makes you healthy.

If we listen intentionally/carefully/attentively, we will accurately understand what’s been said.

Eye blinks are so short they don’t affect our vision.

Everyone interprets specific words the same way.

There’s such a thing as objectively rational.

The role of a coach is to impart knowledge/wisdom.

Leaders understand enough about a problem to set the goal for a project.

We can figure out what’s really going on by noticing behavioral problems.

Mind and Brain are interchangeable.

Our curiosity is infinite.

We can learn and retain new knowledge when we hear it.

Good questions elicit good, accurate answers.

Permanent, resistance-free change is possible when good information is known and practiced.

When we believe/recognize an idea/answer to be a good one, it probably is.

Intuition is not restricted.

People over 70 aren’t horny anymore.

We interpret words according to their meaning.

People will buy when they’ve understood how a specific solution will fix their problem; an appropriate solution will generate a buying decision.

If you hunch over and raise your shoulders you’ll get warm.

Voice bots and virtual receptionists can take care of customers as well as live receptionists.

Memories are accurate renditions of what occurred.

It’s possible to accurately hear what Others say.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

I hope these cliches prompted some thoughts! And for being so supportive and reading this far, here two gems: a present: the amount of time football players actually physically play is 11 minutes; If you add up the time you’re functionally blind when you blink, you’ve been unsighted for 23 minutes a day. SD

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Sharon-Drew Morgen is a breakthrough innovator and original thinker, having developed new paradigms in sales (inventor Buying Facilitation®, listening/communication (What? Did you really say what I think I heard?), change management (The How of Change™), coaching, and leadership. She is the author of several books, including her new book HOW? Generating new neural circuits for learning, behavior change and decision making, the NYTimes Business Bestseller Selling with Integrity and Dirty Little Secrets: why buyers can’t buy and sellers can’t sell). Sharon-Drew coaches and consults with companies seeking out of the box remedies for congruent, servant-leader-based change in leadership, healthcare, and sales. Her award-winning blog carries original articles with new thinking, weekly. www.sharon-drew.com She can be reached at sharondrew@sharondrewmorgen.com.

Sharon Drew Morgen January 23rd, 2026

Posted In: News

The Noise of Subjectivity: how our personal biases shape our worlds, by Sharon-Drew Morgen

Risk: the essential, yet largely overlooked, element in successful change, by Sharon-Drew Morgen

Sales Is Not A Prospecting Tool, by Sharon-Drew Morgen

Overlooked Steps in Decision Making: how to avoid resistance and encourage buy-in, by Sharon-Drew Morgen

Stop Trying to Persuade; Facilitate Decision Making Instead, by Sharon-Drew Morgen

Beyond Empathetic Listening

The Importance of Exit Interviews: a way to maintain excellence, by Sharon-Drew Morgen

How Aspies Think, Why We Do Weird Stuff, and Why We’re Important

A New Way to Think About Change, by Sharon-Drew Morgen

Common Knowledge and Perceived Wisdom are Often Inaccurate: a list of common, incorrect assumptions we all unwittingly perpetuate, by Sharon-Drew Morgen